


I’m so sorry-Sent To: All Conatacts

by inarizakibabe



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes, a rant, bokuaka if you squint, implied eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:41:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26676094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inarizakibabe/pseuds/inarizakibabe
Summary: Sent.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 10
Kudos: 62





	I’m so sorry-Sent To: All Conatacts

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, i’m really sorry for writing this. I’m basically writing my feelings into a comfort character of mine. This is about Akaashi. Trigger Warning: Self harm, Suicide, Depression, ED?, you get the idea. anyways the writing sucks. Like I said before, this is me ranting but I put it into a character.

Another day goes by,

another week goes by,

another month goes by.

He had heard so many things when people committed, but the one thing that stuck to him was,

_They had no reason_

_Exactly, I have no right to feel this way. I have a roof over my head. I have both parents in my life. I have some clothes. I have my fair share of friends,_

_so why, why do I feel this way?_

No one had ever said anything insanely offensive. Just your casual lame insults,

_Ugly,_

_Fat,_

_Poor,_

_Weird,_

_Freak,_

and so on. So why was there a scar for each insult he was called? Why was there a note waiting to be used? Why was he skipping meals? Why did he feel guilty for eating a single strawberry? Why were the blades in his bathroom stained red? He didn’t have a single reason to feel this way. So why?

_“Don’t listen to them Akaashi, they’re just stupid idiots”_ Bokuto had said to him countless times.

_I’m trying so hard, Bokuto-san_

Everyday was getting worse.

Everyday seemed to get longer.

Everyone seemed to be moving forward,

_so why was he stuck in place?_

~~~~~~~~

College counselors. _What a joke._ They help you find a college that you can get into so you can continue living this horrible life.

_Or maybe it’s just me who thinks that_

Some people had asked him what he wanted to do when he got older. He had heard other people’s answers.

_a doctor,_

_a professional soccer player,_

_a teacher,_

all reasonable, but why couldn’t he think of something he wanted to do? Volleyball was out of the question.

_You aren’t good enough for that._

The councilors asked him what his dream college was. They asked him what he wanted to major in. They asked him what his ideal job was. All questions he didn’t have an answer to. They kept asking questions about his future,

_but,_

_did I even have a future?_

~~~~~~~~~~

Staring. That’s all he could do. His parents thought his phone was the reason for his sleeping problems,

but,

in reality,

he just couldn’t get his thoughts to go away.

~~~~~~~~~~

He stared at his plate. _I want to, but,_

_“you eat way too much”_

_never mind eating._

~~~~~~~~~~

Graduation. The day is finally here. Bokuto had said he couldn’t come so they celebrated earlier.

_Good idea, Bokuto-san._

People cried as they said their goodbyes before they would start new lives.

_Before they would start living their futures._

He had been accepted into a college easily. He told his parents they should hold off a little bit before paying the fee.

His parents had come to his graduation, telling him how proud they were of him.

_Sure never seemed like they were, but then again, his only self-worth came from excelling in academics._

It was getting late, so he said his final goodbyes to the few teammates and classmates he actually talked to. He had separated from his parents so he could walk home alone. As he made his way down the empty sidewalk, he took in all the features, as this would be the last time he ever saw it. Memories of him in his second year with his teammates running around after winning a match flooded his mind.

He walked, enjoying the silence. Then the first raindrop fell. He smiled sadly to himself remembering something he had written down in his journal.

“ _Rain, I’ve had a few people ask me why I enjoy it so much. When the rain falls, everything sinks away under the sound of it. It doesn’t exactly make me happy, but it makes me feel like there’s finally something I can connect with. It’s a little sad how I feels connected to the rain. Not many people like it, not many people enjoy its presence, annoying some may say._

_Or maybe,_

_the reason I feel so connected to it,_

_is the fact that rain only exist_ s _for a short time.”_

Finally, he was where he needed to be. He carefully took out his phone and pulled up his notes. Each one was a letter to someone close or important to him, an apology letter but also a thank you letter. He copy and pasted the first one, the one that would go to his parents.

_“Dear mom and dad,_

_I’m so sorry. For everything. You did everything for me and this is what I give you in return. I wish I could’ve done more, but I think that my existence here on Earth was supposed to be short. Simply just to see this small part of the world. I hope you know that none of this is your fault. It’s no ones fault, I was helpless and a bother. So I decided to do what’s best for everyone. I’m so grateful for all the wonderful memories you gave me. I’m so grateful for everything you gave me. Tell everyone that I love them and will miss them. Tell everyone that I hope they live out their futures to the fullest, something I wasn’t made to do. I wish I could write more, but there’s nothing else I can think t_ o _say besides I’m sorry._

_I love you both-Keji”_

His vision blurred as he clicked send. He stared at the second letter. _He doesn’t deserve this, any of this, I’m so sorry._ He copy and pasted the second letter, the one that would go to Bokuto Koutarou.

_“Dear Bokuto-san,_

_I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve all the pain I’ll cause you. I want you to know that you are the thing that kept me alive this long. I don’t want you to think that you could have done more, because you did everything, and it kept me alive throughout high school. Please, for me, do not blame this on yourself. I am just not made for this world. There’s nothing that could make me stay any longer. It will just cause me more pain to stick around. There’s so many things I wanted to do with you, and I hope you find someone else to do those things with. Someone you can have a future with. There’s not a single second I spent with you that I regret. Every memory I have with you is filled with happiness. You gave me happiness, something I could not feel on my own, but my time here is over. So please for me, keep_ _doing what I cannot, live._

_I hope you know that I’m so sorry._

_I hope you know that I love you, Koutarou._

_Keji~”_

He was now sobbing as the rain seemed to cry with him. Finally, he clicked send. He started typing again, before choosing who would receive the text. Letting out a scream, he hit send. Without a second to spare he climbed up the ledge. Facing the road he took a deep breath. Letting it out, the road started to disappear from sight.

He was falling with the rain now.

He opened his eyes for the last time,

taking in a breath,

closing his eyes again,

before letting out his final breath.

_I’m so sorry-Sent To: All Contacts_

**Author's Note:**

> I’m really sorry for writing this, again, it was like my rant just put into a character. The writing, grammar, spelling, was all shit but oh well. I was originally gonna use one of my OC but I decided against...so I used one of my comfort characters who just happens to be...akaashi, very sorry. This is a reminder, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, please get out to someone, ANYONE, if you are feeling this way. I am currently in the process of getting a therapist. So please, for me, reach out to someone. I love you, so stay safe.


End file.
